I was called inconsistent by someone I love very much. Even though this bothered me greatly, I didn’t confront or get angry at this person, because I know this person meant no harm. This person also loves me and understands me well. Regardless of what this person said, inconsistency in my attendance at family get togethers as well as get togethers with friends has gotten a lot worse since I became ill. I find that people tend to be a little inconsiderate when expecting you to do things a certain way or be certain places when you are not feeling well. Honestly it makes me feel like crap when I can’t be with my family and friends due to depression.
This is how I judge whether or not I will go somewhere or do anything when I’m depressed. Let me begin that, for me, isolating is always a bad idea when I’m depressed. I try my hardest to be with my family, or at least with one of my parents at least some part of the day when I’m feeling blue. I don’t like making my problems other people’s problems, and throughout the years I have had very bad experiences being depressed around people. If I am so depressed that I’m going to call attention to myself I usually don’t go to a get together. Also, if I have trouble getting out of bed, meaning my concentration, attention, etc. are affected I don’t like to mingle with others because I can’t be myself.
I have a huge fear of crowds. I can usually handle a crowded room relatively well when I’m not depressed. When I am depressed though, I am usually anxious. I can’t be in a crowded place without starting to panic. This adds to my depression because it makes me feel like I’m trash for not being able to attend an event. An example was my niece’s first communion. I’m not a religious man, but I respect others’ beliefs, and I am very proud of my niece for going through this rite of passage. The church at which the event was being hosted is a crystal cathedral. As beautiful as it may be, it is huge. A place like that filled to the brim with people is a little much for me when I’m depressed. I beat myself up for a good two weeks for not being able to attend such an important even in my niece’s life. I was even going to give her my bible from my first communion, but never got the chance to.
Being sick is hard in the family and friend department. I missed my nephew’s birth due to being in a treatment center. My best friend got married far away, but he had a wonderful dinner with both of their families and all of our friends to celebrate. I couldn’t make it. I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. Missing these things tends to wear down friendships to the point of ruining them. My family understands, but sometimes I wonder if they will remain compassionate throughout the years. It has come to the fact that I have very few friends left. I could always make more, but it is sad to see people go. And, more importantly, it hurts a lot to miss precious moments with my family. So, yes, I could be considered inconsistent in that regard.
It is not my fault though. I just get sick of playing the “I’m sick” card. Some days are great, and others are not. That is life. This is common in the mental illness journey, so remember, you are not alone! How does the saying go about life and the lemons, well, you know! One of my next posts will be about the “patient mentality”. I was going to write that one today, but this post came out instead.