Ramblings of a Not-So-Young Man

The Pact

I’ve officially gone through enough of my life to be burdened by my own self-doubt. I can’t help my illness, which is pretty much under control, but I can help all of the other bullshit I put myself through. So, today I make a pact with myself. I’m going to stop caring what other’s think about me, because frankly, it doesn’t matter. That doesn’t mean I’m going to run around being an asshole, but at least I’ll give myself a chance to be me. I’m not going to let events from my childhood affect me anymore. I’m a grown ass man, and I can deal with and change the perception of all of the things that have happened to me good or bad.

I’m going to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I’m going to believe what I want, and not take crap from others. I have a right to have a life, and I’m going to exercise that right. I have a right to be a weirdo recluse if I want, or play any other role of my choosing, which I am very well able to do. Because of my illness they’re certain things that I’m not able to do, but I refuse to reach a fatalistic view where I’m doomed not to change. I am making every effort to be the best me I can be and will continue to do so. If I am seen as sick, or whatever the hell else, it is the problem of that person not mine. I’m still finding my bearings, but that won’t be for long. I’m on a path, as I have always been, I just think that I’ve lost my way. Life is the greatest teacher, and I have always tried to be the best pupil that I have been able to be. I am going to continue to embrace change, for that is the only thing in life that is certain.

Lastly, I free myself from myself.

 

The Commentary

I know this sounds like a rant, but it is a license that I give myself to be free from me. I’m just sick of being sick. I realized that the majority of my problems don’t have to do with my illness, they have to do with my perception of life. I have learned those bad views and habits in life as a coping mechanism for surviving traumas and illness. These phantoms are clearly not needed anymore. I don’t need to seek attention, for people listen to me and love me. I don’t need to care what other’s think about me, because the ones that matter stay close no matter what you say, and the ones that don’t, really don’t matter. I don’t have to be so defensive and hate confrontation, because I’m not around unstable people at a hospital anymore. I love to debate, and hate to fight, but that’s just me. I have a right to keep my mental peace, no matter what. I treasure my solitude and my thoughts, because I treasure knowledge and learning. I hope someday I can share that with whatever poor soul wants to listen = ). Believe it or not, I’m actually quite sociable and enjoy people! I don’t avoid people because of fear, I avoid people because I’m content in solitude. When I feel like being around others, I go and seek others.

Those who know me, know me well. Those who think know me, should make an effort to know me better! How about this, I’ll meet you half way. I’ll make myself available, and I’ll care about you, but you have to return the favor.

I guess the appropriate way to end this is… I like long walks on the beach. I like dogs. My favorite color is red, etc. lmao!

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