To those that are concerned about me… I have good days and bad ones. Sometimes I feel scared, depressed, lonely, or nervous. Sometimes I also feel happy, content, grateful, and am at peace. All of that is normal. A pill or a doctor can’t take away a bad day. I know I have been very inconsistent with my mood in the past, but for now I’m ok. I know when I need a doctor’s intervention and I’m always open to anybody’s observations on any weird behavior. I’m tired of people seeing me have a bad couple of days and suggesting I need a med change when I don’t. Med changes are long and arduous trial and error processes that are very unpleasant and that I avoid unless it is the last possible solution. It’s not easy being mentally ill, but I think it is harder being mentally healthy and trying to deal with stresses that are completely unavoidable. I have more trouble being thirty five and trying to find my way in this world in a healthy way than any depression.
I spent most of my twenties in treatment so I’m a little behind. What young adults in their early twenties do and the problems and stresses they deal with, specially when dealing with others and their place in the world is what I’m facing now. I’m a little behind which is totally normal for those that put their lives on pause to get better. Real life, is something that I’m slowly being reintegrated with everyday slowly on forth to thirty five. I can’t lie, it is really hard for me. It brings fear and stress, both sadness of a childhood gone, and blinding fear of an empty canvas. I’m very happy to be alive though, so it all works out. I have to have patience and take life a day at a time.
Another thing I want to tell my family is not to confuse my eccentricities for my illness. I’m a fucking weirdo, and I love it! It’s just the way I am and it is most likely not going to change. I love people, but I know I’m a little awkward. Nothing wrong with that lol. I try my best to make life my own by always laughing and smiling. Also, just because I keep things to myself doesn’t mean I’m timid or shy. I love to debate but I hate to fight, and most people I know love to fight.